Being a parent is overwhelming

It’s so many feelings all at once.

You’re very happy. But really tired all the time.

You love playing with your kid but you want some break too.

You want to do the best you can but you do enjoy help from around.

You love the laughs and smiles and giggles and jokes and hugs and kisses and cute communications but sometimes, “A little silence please? I’m really unwell, honey.”

You are proud of them when they go around the house by themselves without being scared or calling out your name but that’s scary on a whole new level. “Why is it so silent?!”

You are also proud of yourself for changing so many things you thought you’d never for anyone but it’s like they’ll copy ANYTHING you say or do. So you aaalways have to be careful.

You feel good about making the right decisions for your kid but there’s always some self doubt. Could you do it any better?

There are people who’ll uplift you and make you feel great as a parent. But there are also people who’ll make their life motto to tell you and, if not you, then surely all those around you that basically suck at parenting.

Sometimes you can happily defend yourself or even be completely okay with ignoring them. But sometimes these things will get to you and you’ll start questioning yourself.

It’s so many things to think about. There’s so much to do, not do, learn, change, teach, preach… God!!!

…… sigh……

What I’ve learnt in my little experience.. is to surround myself with people I trust. People who won’t lie to me just coz they know me. People who won’t say something cheesy just to hurt me. But people who I can trust with the truth. Who trust me with my decisions but can openly call me out when I’m wrong. They can guide me and still support me if I decide to go in the opposite direction.

That helps.

Oh no. It doesn’t solve the overwhelming-ness.

It just makes it easier. Hmm a lot easier 🙂

Strong or weak?

Sometimes it’s hard to tell

Whether you’re strong,

Or too weak.

Sometimes people say the meanest things..

And you have to smile.

Coz you can’t respond to every dumb thing someone says.

And also you can’t waste your energy on something that isn’t worth it.

But is that being strong?

Coz when alone,

You think about it.

Analyzing why they said that.

Maybe it was true. Maybe you are like that.

Maybe you need to work on it.

Is that okay?

I guess so. It shows you’re someone with emotions. Someone who thinks. Who puts herself to trial when wrong. Someone who wants to accept her mistakes. And change. And when not wrong, someone who can brush it off.

And that’s a good thing.

But what if…

Instead of thinking and moving on

You stand right there.

Beating yourself up for what someone who doesn’t matter said!

What if people think you’re rude coz you answer them back when you know you weren’t at fault.

What if people think you’re happy coz you never let anyone’s crap get to you.

What if people think you’re strong… coz you don’t let others bring you down.

But inside….

You’re almost broken.

About to cry, at all times.

Too tired to defend yourself or clarify. Or even feel guilty and apologize.

What if you constantly wish for someone to defend you or take the hits for you.

But maybe that’s normal too?

Normal to human nature.

Maybe what matters is how you handle it.

Every day. A struggle. Constant.

Maybe what matters is you can keep yourself sane and remain a good person without letting those people’s behavior get to you.

But sometimes,

It’s just hard.

Thanks, but no thanks

“You think too much. You know you need to stop taking so much stress.”

Wow.. I wonder why this didn’t occur to me!

*slow clap*

Be happy

They ask,

“Are you happy?”

I say, “I am.”

They say,

“You don’t look like it.”

I say, “No, I’m fine.”

They ask,

“It’s them, isn’t it?”

“No they are nice.”

They say,

“But I can tell they treat you wrong. I noticed that thing they did. Don’t you say anything?”

“I do, when necessary.”

They shake their heads,

“That’s where you’re wrong. You’re letting them disrespect you.”

“Oh no, don’t worry. I respond when needed and stay silent when important.”

They say,

“But you’re making them used to of hurting you.”

“I actually did take a stand for myself the other day. I said blah and blah.”

They make a face,

“Ooh you shouldn’t have said that. That’s not sensible.”

“Oh really? But…. what should have I said?”

They collect points,

“Just say blah and blah. Don’t react.”

“But.. you yourself said I shouldn’t always ignore. I should say something.”

They defend themselves,

“Yes, but not like this! I don’t mean to fuel you up.”

“Then how??”

They break it down,

“When that happens ever again, just ignore it. It’s not a big deal.”

“Uh… yeah sure. I actually do that more often now.”

They sigh,

“You’ll never create a space for yourself with this poor-lad attitude. Nobody would ever respect you. You’ll never be happy this way.”

I question, frustrated by this cycle,

“Then how do I become happy?!?”

“Just try to be happy,

Just be happy.

Ignore when important and only respond if necessary.”

“Sure. Thanks for your help.”

Response

Scenario 1:

“You’re slow at cutting vegetables, right?”, she smiled, questioning in disbelief.

“Huh? Oh yeah. I am. Very much so. I mean I love cutting stuff. Not like love love but like I’d do it without any issue. Except I’m too slow so I have to start a little earlier than normal people”, I chuckled shamefully.

“Yeah I was shocked to see you still had cut the carrots after so long.” She continued. This time it felt like an insult.

“Hehe yeah..”, I giggled sheepishly, “but look they’re all the same!”. I tried to cover up my guilt.

All the same? Was it a requirement? Why on earth did I even say that! God I sound like I’m defending myself with such senseless points.

“Haha who’s gonna measure their size once the dish is done!”, she laughed hysterically on my face. I joined in. I mean it WAS dumb. She didn’t stop there.

“Well I feel like it’s more about getting things done on time more than doing them with so much perfection. After all, what’s the point of serving the best dish an hour late? Instead, serve an average dish on time. What do you think?”

Such a sweet manner of talking. Yet I feel insulted. Guilty. At fault. She is right to be honest. Being on time is more important than serving an awesome dish one hour late. Why couldn’t I cut faster. My preparation time takes so much longer than any other person in the house. I’m not really a good cook. I’m fine… but I don’t do it intentionally.

Why doesn’t she understand that. That I don’t cut slow coz I WANT to be slow. I just AM slow. Otherwise I’ll cut myself coz I’m clumsy. God! I’ve got issues!

But… I didn’t chose these for myself. I don’t want to hurt others by keeping them waiting. I don’t want to serve them an average dish, like she calls mine. I know whenever it’s my turn to cook I’m late but… I don’t mean to.. I’m slow, but not intentionally. I’m sorry.

Wait… should I be sorry? What am I apologizing for? Being myself? The way I am? Positive: I cut veggies in a good way. Negative: I’m generally slow at everything. Am I guilty of having good and bad qualities rather than only good? Or…. rather than having qualities like hers? I shouldn’t be sorry. I shouldn’t feel guilty. I’m fine the way I am! Keep your sarcasm to yourself.

 

*finally after a long discussion with myself, in my mind, I was able to convince myself.

 

Scenario 2:

“You’re slow at cutting vegetables, right?”, she smiled, questioning in disbelief.

“Hmm?”, I waited for her to continue.

She nodded, “yeah?”

“Umm yes…. so? I mean I didn’t get you.”

“Oh I’m just saying. I was shocked to see you still had cut the carrots after so long…”

“Haha I’m sure that’s not hurting anyone. Don’t worry! You’ll enjoy a good lunch”, I brushed off her lame try at guilt tripping me.

Yes, I’m slow. So what?

6 Amazing Tips for Overcoming Writer’s Block | JohnEEngle.com

6 Amazing Tips for Overcoming Writer’s Block | JohnEEngle.com.